Practicing Grief
Why your soul needs your grieving
Grief…a beautifully painful experience, a sacred act.
Where else lies the proof of how deep and sincere we’ve loved something or someone? How else can our love be fully expressed?
I’m convinced that lingering grieving, the pain we haven’t yet accessed, is the source of much angst, depression, resentment, sadness, and dread. The actual act of grieving…it hurts, yes but it’s also healing. We cannot know love without pain, but I fear many of us neglect the side of pain and too quickly reach towards the next source of love.
An American culture focused on the individual will tell you to mourn the loss personally and privately. It will encourage learning individual coping skills to push back against the crashing waves of emotion. It will desire your quick recovery to be of benefit to everyone else. It will often neglect your soul’s longing to grief collectively. This may work for some, but the fruits I have witnessed are: lonely, defeated, repression of emotion, inauthentic expression of self, and a false sense of comfort and peace.
I wonder if the complexity of this human grieving experience leads us to keep our distance. It’s not linear or predictable or pleasant. Grief comes in waves, when least expected and usually does not coincide with happiness. For those of us who believe happiness = fulfillment…grief has to stay far away. Grief doesn’t feel safe because we don’t have control. Our soul communicates an emotion that goes beyond language. Our spirit longs for a day when grief isn’t needed. Our body is trying to release years of loving and longing.
The past 6 months, I’ve been examining grief in my own heart. What does it look like? Feel like? What’s it all about? What I noticed is this…grief is not only real for the big losses, but also every little one along the way. A conversation that was never had. A reconciliation hopelessly waiting to happen. A dream vanished from your reach. Feeling dismissed by the person you care for most. A sacrifice that leads to missing out. A past season of life that brought deeper joy. A moment where fear got in the way.
A reality unavoidable to our human experience? Loss.
Micro-moments of loss that take place every single day. Little moments that impact our soul, our inner child, our longings and desires. It feels like unraveling…a space where something once lived but is now empty. Instead of embracing what has been lost, I move right into what’s next. I don’t give my heart time to catch up. I don’t allow the ‘letting go’. I hurry past pain because surely, something better is close by. Like skipping over the cloudy day to get to the sunshine.
Don’t neglect the work of understanding your heart’s grief. As Ann Voskamp put it, “Not one thing in your life is more important than figuring out how to live in the face of unspoken pain’. If you’re alive, you’ve known pain.
So, dear reader, what is your unspoken pain? What if the abundant way doesn’t come without first walking through the broken way?
In ancient cultures, grief was expressed outwardly and communally. A shared human experience, not one of controlling emotions and maintaining privacy. This collective expression of loss helped individuals make sense of the void. A sense of togetherness making the pain a smidge more bearable. All in all, it was an acknowledgment. Only when an experience or emotion is named, embraced, and acknowledged can we truly move forward.
So, my question is this: How can I acknowledge my grieving both individually and collectively?
I pray I’m part of a community one day that would both celebrate and grieve together…both significant and equally as important to our thriving. Both given space and time to be expressed.
Individually, I continue to wrestle with putting aside my pride, my self-sufficiency, my fear of feeling…I allow myself the time to acknowledge the loss, little or big. And I pray for a heart that allows mourning, for I know this mourning heart will be comforted by the loving arms of my Creator.
I will grieve, because my soul needs my grieving.
Until heaven comes down to Earth, until Jesus makes all things new again and wipes away every tear, I’m grieving with you….
Matthew 5:4
