Attached
Somatic Awareness, Felt Safety and Authentic Connection
By Kara Richard, LMSW
From the moment we breathe life into our lungs, our fragile human self hardwired for connection. Attachment to a caregiver necessary from day one. It’s not a luxury, it’s survival. Going beyond simply providing the basic necessities, it’s a deeply woven connection that requires more than duty but also soul, sacrifice, servitude.
Dependent beings depending. That is the sum of our existence. And it’s a breathtakingly beautiful cycle.
Somewhere along the way, we learned it wasn’t so beautiful. There was a rupture, a break in connection. Why else would we so quickly hide our neediness? A certain pride-filled strength masking as independence, not needing anyone or anything. This pressure to figure it out on your own, where did this come from?
There seems to be this false perception that our need for attachment dissipates as we get older. More independent, we can do things on our own, and it seems to be treated as a “want” instead of a “need”. Our attachment needs evolve, but it’s harmful and damaging to believe they lessen.
From day one to year ninety, attachment keeps us alive. And if it keeps us alive, I argue it’s worth understanding more deeply.
A safe, dependable, nurturing attachment from the beginning of our days. As I sit with people in the vulnerable spaces of therapy, I have learned that not much matters more than this. Our blueprint for connecting with others and the world begins the moment we enter this chaotic wild world. Secure attachment isn’t some magical guarantee to thriving relationships and perfect harmony, but it’s a foundation for connection that cannot be replaced. Its value is beyond measure.
As a child, did I learn it was safe to be myself or was I going to get critiqued? As a child, did I learn that I could unashamedly disclose mistakes to my parents or would I leave feeling shamed? As a child, did I learn that people always leave or did I experience consistency and loyalty?
I have witnessed the answers to these questions have profound ripple effects in the life span. Profound effects in the human tendency to connect or withdraw.
We are wired for survival first and foremost. Our little developing brains learn what is safe and what is threatening. We develop strategies based on perception of our environment. Our nervous systems, so incredibly intelligent from the very beginning, engaging in neuroception and taking in cues every moment of every day.
Is this person accepting of me? Can I be authentic here? Are they angry at me? Am I going to get in trouble? Does she love me regardless?
You are constantly perceiving safety or threat. Not only in your environment, but also your relationships.
You know those people that instantly bring calm, peace, and surrender into a space? Their presence is one of connection. They don’t demand or strive. There isn’t a need to impress or mask. Authenticity is welcomed. This is felt safety.
What about those people that your system sounds alarms for. This gut feeling that something is off. They exude anxiety and judgement. You wouldn’t tell them anything vulnerable about yourself, because it could be used against you. You mask you true emotions to keep the peace or keep it surface. This is perceived threat.
Pay attention to your body, one of the most intelligent communicators that often gets ignored. Check in on your somatic experience. Do a body scan, from head to toes, and notice what’s happening for you:
Is my chest tight or open?
Do I feel calm or jittery?
Do I feel a pit in my stomach when they approach?
What happens in my body when I think about sharing a “messy” emotion?
Do I feel a sense of ease or tension when they talk?
Do I feel drained or energized after being around them?
I highly encourage doing an assessment of your circle. The people most involved in your life, most present in your atmosphere. The people that impact your decisions, perspective, mood. Always out of curiosity, not judgement. Assess the way your nervous system perceives this person and relationship. Are the walls going up or are they coming down? Are you drawn in for connection or feel the urge to run away? Do they allow for authenticity or does the mask come on?
The goal of this? Awareness. Not to change the person or fix them or force them into therapy. None of that is your job. This awareness is for you.
If attachment and connection is a human need of mine, it deserves my attention. There’s not many things that impact our vitality more than our relationships. The most fulfilled moments of my life are when I feel most connected, secure within myself and my relationships. The scariest times? When I feel alone. Don’t trick yourself into thinking a multitude of people = a multitude of connection. Some of the loneliest people are surrounded by others.
Connection is dependent on authenticity and felt safety. Two questions I love to ask myself when meeting a new person:
Can I be my most authentic self, unashamedly ?
Does my body and mind feel safety?
It’s okay to filter people. Maybe that sounds insensitive or unkind. Hear me when I say, it’s not. Your health and wellbeing actually depends on it. Filtering people to discern whether you want to engage in relationship is the kindest thing for your future self. Let’s consider how much emotional, mental, and physical energy relationship requires. If you’re going to do it well, it’s not one foot in and one foot out. It makes sense then, why some thought is required.
As Carl Jung puts it, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed”.
Your felt safety in your environment and relationships is literally impacting your physical health, for better or worse. Unsafe = consistent fight or flight response and spiked cortisol = depleted energy and immune system. Safety = ventral vagal energy = energy to give towards healing and connection.
Secure attachment requires a level of security within the person. Individuals who have a strong sense of self, but don’t need to prove it to the world. They learned their strengths and weakness, accepting limits and faults with humility. There is mutual respect. They can be present. They can shift their focus to others without losing themselves.
Some qualities include: humility, consistency, compassion, responsibility, and growth oriented.
What’s the opposite? Threat, danger, unsafe, disconnected. Some qualities include: critical, flakey, obsessive, defensive, dishonest. Nothing is ever good enough, an abundance of grudges are held, plans made without action, energy sucked dry, and rarely accountability. It makes sense why our body would try to fight or flee.
And now, I go back to infancy and childhood. Once I understood early attachment experiences, my grace and compassion increased tenfold. Why? Because all of us have an inner child, the younger version who experienced life under the caregiving of an adult who either helped us feel safe and secure or guarded and threatened. At one point in time, all of us were much more helpless, dependent, and naive. Under the strong, independent adult appearance, there is a younger version.
This younger version didn’t choose neglect or harsh criticism or abuse or anger or threats. They didn’t choose the ruptures, fights and chaos. But they learned to survive and overcome. Our attachment experiences don’t excuse current disrespect or harmful behavior. Not in the slightest. But they do shed some light. They do give explanation.
Most importantly, they allow us the opportunity to understand the past so we don’t repeat it in the present. Understanding breeds compassion. Compassion for that younger version, your present self, and everything along the way.
My hope and prayer to whomever reading is for the opportunity to experience safety within connection. The kind felt deep within your bones, the kind that is undeniable from within, the kind that allows you to bloom in authenticity. I pray you find compassion for the younger you who didn’t have a choice, and courage for the present you who has a choice. I pray you feel loved beyond a shadow of a doubt and from that love, become a life-force in a world desperately in need of what you offer.
“To be fully seen by somebody and loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous”. - Elizabeth Gilbert
